no one will know

last anni, last bdays, last nye, last hari raya, last everything.

everything is gonna be fine you said.

but you know, you know it well that nothing is.

this isn’t easy? just thought you should know.

actually i dont even know why did i reacted that way.it have been lotsa freaking good months for us, cos i was totally psyched about whats gonna happen in say 5 years time. both of us were totally excited about settling down together. and then yesterday you told me you are going to enquire and register for schools in aussie. this isnt an easy thing to handle alone. the least you could do was tell me and just let me prepare and handle things smoothly.

but you dont get where im coming from……….

reading through all the posts, recent archives. i realized that i love you so deep. i think im really just so sad, bcos i can just tear without making an effort to. it hurts so badly. i didnt know i love you this much. 

i dont understand why do you need to see your friends every week and make it compulsory.

wont it be nice if there’s ‘atiqah’s day’ in every week. so at least i have something to look forward to every fucking week.

or maybe spend a lil bit more time together before ns.

hmm. im not asking for much am i?

i was trying my very best. thought you would be happy to see what i was doing the whole time. but no, you ignored. i felt like i was the one who hosted the party and you were my guest. im so happy and glad that im a very friendly and easy going person cos if not i would have died the second you came.

i was waiting for you to hold my hand and tell you miss me, or maybe at least a thank you frm you for being there. but you didnt.

anything lah. jialat. i dont know what to do alrdy. not the first time.

i have never felt so down before. never did. i did everything to make myself feel better. thank you bby girls for coming. at least that helped a bit. never did it happened that long before. 2 hours, continuos. i just couldnt help it. its all about you, its never about me. i appreciate what you did for me. thank you and i hope you do appreciate what i do everyday, for you, for us. like i said, you take things too lightly. you know i will still come back to you. and maybe just maybe. maybe. you love to twist and turn everything youve said. if you are gonna say you did it not on purpose, you should really fig out something and function your brain properly. to know whats right and whats wrong. these are the litlle things that will make the girls go mad. the little things that will make it a big one. havent you guys heard that before? we often get angry over little things, well maybe it is LITTLE to you but it is definitely not LITTLE to us. so then, try to be more humanly and pay attention to all the little things. i did told you again and again the LITTLE things i hate cos you asked me to. but now, whats the point of telling? when its still the same. you know, i thought on that very day when you claimed i was being rude, it was gonna be the last time im gonna tolerate all the same shits. it is still happening now, yes, no? dont take things too lightly. sometimes even when i tell you directly i want it that way, you just dont seem to do anything about it. i have shown too many signs. do you need me to write down everything for you? and oh, we dnt get mad for nothing. for once, hear me out.

so i was told that he is gonna do anything/everything to make sure that we could see each other in one piece via webcam or hear from each other every now and then in order to lessen the heart ache of missing each other. and so i would wake up early every morning to check my email and wait for him to either email me or chat with me. but sometimes i have to go out and i cant meet him online. well of course, im always forced to go out. when all i want to do is just stay infront of the lappie and wait for anything to happen. which can make me smile.

i told him clearly that seeing him online in the evening wouldnt be great cos i do have friends to go out with, and family. i said why dont you just text me in the morning, i dnt care if im sleepy, i just wanna chat with you, cos it makes me happy knowing that he misses me and still love me the same.

but some time after that i said it seems like im stressing up very much on us not seeing each other online, and so i decided to just stick to emailing. cos its easier and faster.

i PURPOSELY didnt email to see if he is gonna email me. but it has been two days and a half and i still have not receive any emails from him yet.

and i realised that im always the one having to tell him what to do, any way to contact me. omg. i sound like a despo or something. hello. i miss him like crazy. i always have to ask him to do this and that, and he will. but when i dont he wont.

initiative?

i was thinking about it. and i realised very much that, if you want to something, you will do it, but if you dont, you wont do it at all. depressing much. like how my cousin;s bf actually email her every fucking day and try his best to call her if he could and text her using the wonderful websms to make sure that she doesnt feel much lonely or sad. how he waits for her to come online instead of her waiting for him.

im so sorry. but these are the LITTLE THINGS that is big to me, and any other girls too.

maybe, just maybe, you want a very much space and time alone. to enjoy your stay there. i will give you the time now till you are back in sg. happy holidays! and im hoping that my phone will ring on friday/saturday. (:

dont worry, i still love you very much. and i miss YOU like crazy.

why am i so vulnerable? how can i just let things pass by me just like that? when i have a million questions not answered.